· Introduction ·
They always make us believe that there is the possibility of being ALONE because one has chosen it. But this is the worst lie and excuse we have invented for not facing reality.
Some of us are really alone without wanting to be and we don’t understand why our relationships end quickly or we have a hard time finding a person and even worse, many times people tell us that we aspire too much and end up lowering our standards and desires just for fear of being alone.
It is true that it does not make much sense to want to find the person who will become our life partner just by looking at one characteristic such as the body they have, but in the end we also have to ask ourselves…
And why not? Don’t I deserve a person that I like?
· Motivation ·
Society, psychologists, writers, movies, and even family members sometimes tell us that one can be alone if it is what each one wants.
They make excuses for us like it’s okay to dedicate ourselves to work, to our physique or we need to recover from some trauma, relationship, etc…
The reality is very far from all that.
Regardless of the beliefs, ideologies or stereotypes that we have, the human being is a social being by nature and we will never be able to reach our maximum potential being alone.
So why do so many people say they want to be alone by choice?
Or worse yet,
why are there so many people who are alone even when they don’t want to be?
This post is for everyone and because of that we are going to give you the simplest answers to each question and later we will help you find a way and we will give you our best reasons and advice to improve your life.
· I want to be alone ·
I’m not alone because of the circumstances, I’m alone because I decided so. I am not a totally repulsive person, workaholic or boring person. I also don’t consider myself unattractive (although that has nothing to do with this post) nor do I feel devastated that I’m not in a relationship.
We have heard this story more and more in society and we believe that sometimes we do it as a sacrifice or worse, we are happy not to experience the problems that most couples have (money, children, work, etc.) and sadly If you try to approach the issue of relationships with these types of people, the answer is always the same:
I’m alone because I want to
or
It is possible to be alone and be happy
and even worse
I give meaning to my life and I am my own fulfillment.
Don’t get us wrong. not only is it possible to be happy alone, but our happiness should never depend on another person. That said, the reality is that we will never reach our full potential in ALL the different areas of our lives by doing it alone.
So the first answer is simple:
why do so many people say they want to be alone by choice?
‘Cause they don’t know any better
· I don't want to be alone ·
Really?…
Sorry that we are the ones to tell you this but if that were true, you would no longer be alone.
We are so used to control, immediate gratification and instant results that we don’t realize how much we can and must do to stop being alone.
We believe that if we fix ourselves or lose weight it is enough, or even if we overcome the trauma of the previous relationship, understanding that trauma can be the simple fact of separation or something more severe, then we are already doing our part to be with someone who meet our wishes and expectations.
But the reality is not so obvious, although it can be that simple.
so
why are there so many people who are alone even when they don’t want to be?
‘Cause they are not working on what is really necessary
But don’t worry, the good thing is that for both cases the process is very similar.
· So what's next·
Of course right now the simplest thing would be to send you to many other good posts that talk about the reasons why you are alone or because you are not interested in finding a partner but what is the use of constantly saying things that are wrong. When we have achieved a breakthrough only complaining. Right now we want to work different things.
Below we will mention (only mentioning not describing) some of the reasons why we are in the situation we are in, but this article has the intention of helping and therefore we are going to focus on proposing rather than criticizing.
Likewise, we are going to use a very simple type of structure to prevent you from wearing yourself out. Of course we want you to read everything, but we understand that sometimes the articles are big and you want to start improving even if you divide the reading in several days. So we are going to do the following.
We will mention the solution, then we will describe each point in a general way and finally we will go into the details.
So we wonder what’s next.
Let’s Talk and Work on your Self Esteem
· Self-Esteem ·
The term self-esteem refers to love for oneself or how much I esteem myself but we never tend to go into what that really means.
When we love someone do we really love the whole of that person?
Let’s see it from a simpler point of view. When we love a car, we really love every detail of that car or the reality is that many times we love some characteristics of the car such as the engine, the shape, the stereo, etc. and we accept other things that although we do not love we can live with them like the color of the rugs.
With people and couples it’s the same, normally we love most of the characteristics of that person, but maybe we are annoyed by how they eat, or their laugh, or their taste in movies, no matter how big or small the detail is, in the end love for something or someone is rarely complete.
So when we talk about self-esteem, we really love ALL of us. From the physical, mentality, tastes, energies, colors, reactions and more?
Here the correct answer should be YES.
Really? But how?
Well, very simple, unlike other things, when we don’t like something about ourselves, we are the only ones with the power to change it.
Ok, we already understood, but what does that have to do with relationships?
The answer is a bit extensive and during this article we will try to find together every detail and how self-esteem affects our relationships no matter which of the two cases we represent, but as if we had to give a short answer it would be the following:
You are with who you deserve.
What does that mean? If you can’t find the person who meets your expectations and tastes and you always end up in the wrong relationships, alone or even you have never managed to have that stable relationship, it is because you are asking for more than what you offer. it is because of you
Hey but if I was the mistreated one in the relationship. Sorry to tell you this again. But if you want to have a person who belongs to 1% of the population, you have to belong to 1% of the population.
That does not mean that you have to be in the 1% richest, most attractive or most educated. Do not confuse the answer. Maybe you’re not even looking for the richest, most attractive or hardworking person. In fact, tastes are so diverse that your 1% will never be the same as someone else’s. But your tastes are so specific that you are looking for a person who corresponds to 1% of the population and for the same reason, even if you are in a different 1%, you have to offer the same thing that you ask for… You have to be complete with yourself.
REAL TIP:
By the way, when you manage to work on yourself enough to be in that place, your vision, tastes and preferences will also expand. do not close to new thingas. First let’s work on you and the rest will arrive sooner than you expect.
Finally. In order to get where we want to be we have to understand what the main components of self-esteem are and how they affect our lives and our relationships. Some will tell you that there are 4 or 10 but the reality is that the main 5 include all the others that can be mentioned to you.
Main Five Components of the Self-Esteem
- Security: I know I am safe;
- Identity: I know who I am;
- Belonging: I know others accept me;
- Purpose: I know what I want to achieve;
- Competence: I know I am capable.
I hope you already have an idea about self-esteem. That said, from the next section we will begin to combine the ideas and advice with practical ways in which you can make progress in finding a partner.
As we mentioned a while ago. I hope you have the conviction and purpose to finish the entire article, but at each step we will help you improve. In the end who knows, maybe and you only need to focus on one of the 5 areas.
· Security ·
This is the basis of self-esteem. Also known as self-confidence. the sense of security in a person is what leads us to reach ever more daring and distant goals.
As expected this is the basis for relationships. It sounds incredible sometimes but feeling safe is something that we develop from a very early age. Family and parents protect us and that leads us to take risks to go further. Without that support, we wouldn’t be able to achieve our goals unless we can replace it with something. But in most cases, we can’t even imagine how far we can go if we don’t have it.
Some people believe that coming from a dysfunctional family and being successful right now, contradicts what we say, but quite the opposite. These people are not able to reach their true potential because they have no one to lean on when taking risks and they believe that they are alone by choice and that they have reached the top when the reality is that they are alone by fear or as a mechanism. of defense and cannot develop their true potential. Picture where you would be if you were sure that someone supported you when taking risks.
Well, I already understood that a partner would bring me security but the problem is that I don’t have it, right?
Here as we mentioned at the beginning, one receives what he can give. At this point in your life, the first step to receiving someone who is capable of giving you that security is to develop your self-confidence.
There are thousands of courses, pages, posts, YouTube videos and audiobooks that can help you speed up this step. I recommend any of these 3
- Jim Wolfe, The Validation Switch
- David Hamilton, Dissolve Social Anxiety
- Sean Cooper, The Shyness and Social Anxiety System
Their first stages are free and they all have a 60 Day Money Back Guarantee if you consider that it is not working for you or if it is not going as fast as you expected, you can cancel it at any time. In the end we all have goals and deadlines.
Please never limit yourself to our recommendations. Always search, compare and evaluate your options before making a decision.
· Identity ·
A feeling of individuality. Acquire self-knowledge, which includes an accurate and realistic self-description of the sources of influence on oneself.
Although it sounds like a conundrum, the point is that once we have the base, the security that keeps us from being able to take risks and take the next step, and more importantly, that we are able to be that base for someone else. The next point is to get to know each other.
Here we have to divide it into two parts and each part we will divide it into two again.
- The mind
- The body
And then we will look each categorie from these 2 points of view:
- Own conception
- The opinion of others
We can think that we are skinny but for someone we will be fat. We may believe that we are not intelligent but for someone we will be the most Brilliant people they have ever met. When we manage to experiment and learn to really identify our characteristics, we will also learn to influence how people see us, and not only that, but their opinion of us.
At the end of experimenting, learning, and getting feedback from the people around us, we come to identify our characteristics, abilities, needs, and feelings.
Once we can have a real and clear conclusion about ourselves and we can identify ourselves, we will also be able to change more easily the things that we do not like about ourselves and change the way people appreciate our characteristics.
Nothing better to do a true introspection than reading a good book. Again you can start with these,
but in the search for self-knowledge you should never stop reading.
·Belonging ·
A feeling of belonging, acceptance, or relatedness, particularly in relationships that are considered important. Feeling approved, appreciated and respected by others: family, friends, school, sports team, etc.
We also define ourselves by belonging to these groups, by the relationships we have with other people, and the experiences we have in these groups.
Probably for those in group 1, this is the most difficult to search for, since although normally people who believe that by their own decision they are alone, although they have a great sense of social belonging (they have to fill the void), they do not know how to search for meaning. belonging in a relationship. in the end, how are they going to do it if they think that right now they are better off alone. And the same way for everyone. When we don’t really know why we’re alone, we don’t know how we should feel right in a relationship.
It is important to belong to different social groups to get to know how we like to be treated and observed and that is why I leave you this TIP:
Make a list of all the groups you belong to. Then, in each group, mention what you like most about belonging there, how they make you feel, why you’re still there and when you most look for this group. Likewise, you have the opposite list of everything that does not go according to your tastes and goals.
Do you understand where we are going with this?
Exactly, it brings together all the good and removes all the bad. That is the goal in a relationship.
Impossible?
Not at all, it will not be like this 24/7 but if you have that feeling once a day you will have found the place where you belong.
· Purpose ·
It is extremely common today to see that most people do not have a purpose.
We are very used to believing that the most valuable thing is fame, money, relationships, houses, etc. that we do not realize that we are chasing other people’s dreams and that leaves us without a clear purpose since they are not our own ideas.
Don’t get us wrong. It is perfect to want to get money, fame and more, but as long as we are convinced that this is our purpose.
Now the most important thing…
Our purpose will never be fixed. Constantly as we grow, learn and mature, we will change, update and extend our purpose.
So how do we feed this area of our self-esteem?
The answer is simple. To Have a feeling of purpose and motivation in life we need to work on our Self-empowerment by setting realistic and achievable goals and being willing to take responsibility for the consequences of one’s decisions.
Now I know you want our advice on how to do this.
At Simle Ideas we believe that in order to achieve our goals and learn from our past goals, we need two things. Good planning and a good way to track our progress.
This is summed up in two big words.
A Diary and a Planner.
There are thousands of ways to do this. There are software and applications that come with their courses like GoalsOnTrack or there are physical planners like Erin Condren’s.
In the end, a diary is a diary and a glider is a glider. maybe some would prefer digital and others would prefer something physical or personalized.
The choices are yours.
· Competence ·
Now at this last point of self-esteem, I know that you are already bored wondering, when is the partner that I am looking for going to arrive, but I ask you to finish achieving this last step and then you will understand how once this personal work is done, everything else will come.
The last point of self-esteem is the feeling of competence. That is, knowing and feeling that we are capable of something.
To feel competent, we need to have different experiences, succeed and fail, and learn new things. The feeling of competence is related to motivation: a person is motivated when he faces challenges that he is capable of facing. Success results in a feeling of efficacy and pride that promotes self-esteem and pushes the person to accept new challenges.
Here, although it is obvious that by reaching the other steps, motivation and the sense of competence will come by itself, we can also stimulate it.
Unlike the other steps where the idea is to work on each area to achieve goals, the sense of competence is reached after reaching goals, that’s why many people are afraid of doing things because confidence comes after doing them, not before.
So what can I do?
At Simple Ideas we learned that the only method to accelerate this step, although it is not very orthodox, is to stimulate yourself with methods that reach your subconscious and give you that affirmation before you have to experience it. Obviously this method only ends up working if after receiving the stimulation, you make the decision to pursue your goals, only then will the subliminal messages be permanent.
The easiest way to do this is through therapy. psychologists have extensive experience in different methods of reaching your subconscious. We were investigating safe ways in which you could stimulate your subconscious from home and surprisingly we found that there is a software that is used to receive subliminal messages that you write yourself as some motivational phrase directly on your computer, it will be worth trying it since it has a guarantee 60 days, which promises relatively fast results because if not because we would really prove it. It’s called Mindzoom and it’s very interesting.
But of course, if you are not such a fan of technology, we leave you here this method that also promises to be very interesting to help reprogram the brain with works and sounds. It’s called The Amazing You.
· And the relationship? ·
Well, now that we worked on everything we have mentioned, I have a surprise for you.
We have searched hundreds of posts, blogs, pages and youtube videos only looking for the main reasons why a person is single and what do you think…
They all say the same thing:
- Defense mechanisms
- unhealthy attractions
- fear of intimacy
- whims or demands
- fear of competition
- isolation or routine
- rule book we made up for relationships
And you can check it by yourself.
In the end, these reasons don’t even need to be described because of how obvious they sound, but if you took the time to read the article, you already realized where we’re going, right?…
Exactly!
All those points are resolved and improved one by one just by working on one thing
Your Self-esteem!
At the end of this process you will realize that you will surely have already found someone and if not you will have the tools to go find it.
Obviously you can search the real dating sites like eharmony, elitesingles, meetup, jdate and more, or you can even go to a bar, gym, cafe or anywhere you want that is related to what you like.
Just don’t look at apps with casual encounters since by now you must be convinced that no matter how fun they are, you will not be able to exploit your potential to the fullest.
· Final Words ·
We are not single by choice, only due to lack of self-esteem and when we are able to accept that, we will start working on what is really necessary and with a few simple steps and a little conviction we can go much further than we ever dreamed of accompanied by the perfect person for us.
Braceability
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